Being the wife of a wheelchair user is not easy! How's that for honesty. It's not what you think though. Since Terry's accident I have experienced drastic highs and lows and these experiences come at very unexpected times. You see, I almost never think about the chair. It's something that is as much a part of my world as is getting dressed, brushing my hair, and going grocery shopping.
But when I do think about the chair, it's usually because something or someone symbolically slaps me in the face with it. It is during these moments that my need for control and my protective nature are ripped away and I am left vulnerable and useless. In these moments I am no help to Terry or myself as I am fighting for control at a time when it may serve us all better to lose it.
Let me tell you about one of the recent highs I have experienced-
We had some free tickets to the Lost Sea, a cave in Sweetwater, TN. Terry's dad had taken him there once and so I knew with our friends' help (thank God for good friends) we would be able to "go caving." And so we did. The staff were awesome! They were complimentary of Terry's ambitiousness and of Brett and Kevin's commitment to their friend. Terry had a wonderful time and we made some great memories.
Let me tell you about one of the recent low times-
My niece just got a job at another commercial cave in the area (guess which one). We have free passes right now to all of the major attractions in Chattanooga and since she had to fill out her paperwork for her new job, we thought we would go up and tour the cave. We did know ahead of time that Terry would not be able to go in and he was planning to read while we did the tour. There are some things that are not accessible naturally and that is perfectly fine.
So we go to the man at the desk and ask about how long the tour is, the distance, and what kind of shoes I'll need to go in. Immediately he says to me, "Ma'am it's a mile hike inside and he can't go."
Instantly I feel the lump in my throat and the anger surging in my stomach.
Me, "Sir I understand and Terry wasn't planning to go in we just..."
Man, "All he'll see is gray rocks, like what we see right here, that's all he'll see."
Me, "I understand" recognizing that he is very defensive though he hasn't been attacked and knowing that I am about to get defensive I am purposefully polite to try and control the conversation, "We know that everything can't be accessible we just wanted to know some things about the cave. Do you have a map?"
Man, "No. And he CAN'T go in. Our insurance won't allow it."
Me on the inside, "What is your problem! Insurance? Liar! You don't have a clue what your insurance policy says I'm sure! And why are you still arguing with me if I didn't even ask to go in? Why are you talking to me and not to Terry!"
Terry, "So you said if I went in all I would see is gray rocks. So what is the trail like anyway?"
Man, "Sir, it's narrow and there are about 50 steps inside! I can take you down the elevator and prove it!"
So this is where things got really bad for me. Terry continued talking to the man and I retreated into myself thinking, "So first you say it's insurance then you say, forget insurance so I can prove you can't go." I'm about to blow up with tears and name calling but simply turn and walk to a bench away from the man. As I sit I fight back tears and try to make sense of what just occurred.
Honesty and vulnerability-
I feel guilty every time I do something Terry can't do such as walk through a cave and then that guilt is reinforced when an insensitive man slaps me in the face with the wheelchair. I want to protect Terry from all things difficult but I am beginning to realize that what I am doing is actually protecting myself from difficult feelings. Whoa! What's been happening the last 6 years?!?
