Present in Times of Pain

These last two weeks I've done so much reflecting on what was, what is, what could have been. I went to a friend's birthday party and was reminded that though it is so easy to get caught up in what is going wrong, a spirit of gratitude can change everything. Thank you Kevin for your amazing spirit in adversity.

Then, a new friend, someone who has also experienced a spinal cord injury, the same man who came up from Florida to help Terry experience adaptive SCUBA, suddenly lost his 20 year old son this week. Fed has shown such amazing courage, resilience, and trust in God this week it is humbling. We are praying for you friend and so thankful we have the same hope!

I've also been reading my father-in-law's notes from Terry's accident. I don't believe it was coincidence when I accidently stumbled across them trying to find another email. I remember very little about what was experienced during that time and these notes have really served as a reminder of how God carried me when I should have been disabled myself.

Last night I found this text from the Bible and it immediately spoke to me. I have made an attempt to parallel it to my life and where I currently find myself. I don't know if it will be helpful to anyone but following the chapter is my paraphrase.

Psalm 40

For the choir director: A psalm of David.

¹ I waited patiently for the Lord to help me,
and he turned to me and heard my cry.
² He lifted me out of the pit of despair,
out of the mud and the mire.
He set my feet on solid ground
and steadied me as I walked along.
³ He has given me a new song to sing,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see what he has done and be amazed.
They will put their trust in the Lord.

⁴ Oh, the joys of those who trust the Lord,
who have no confidence in the proud
or in those who worship idols.
⁵ O Lord my God, you have performed many wonders for us.
Your plans for us are too numerous to list.
You have no equal.
If I tried to recite all your wonderful deeds,
I would never come to the end of them.

⁶ You take no delight in sacrifices or offerings.
Now that you have made me listen, I finally understand^[a]—
you don’t require burnt offerings or sin offerings.
⁷ Then I said, “Look, I have come.
As is written about me in the Scriptures:
⁸ I take joy in doing your will, my God,
for your instructions are written on my heart.”

⁹ I have told all your people about your justice.
I have not been afraid to speak out,
as you, O Lord, well know.
¹⁰ I have not kept the good news of your justice hidden in my heart;
I have talked about your faithfulness and saving power. 

I have told everyone in the great assembly of your unfailing

love and faithfulness.¹¹ Lord, don’t hold back your tender mercies from me.
Let your unfailing love and faithfulness always protect me.
¹² For troubles surround me—
too many to count!
My sins pile up so high
I can’t see my way out.
They outnumber the hairs on my head.
I have lost all courage.

¹³ Please, Lord, rescue me!
Come quickly, Lord, and help me.
¹⁴ May those who try to destroy me
be humiliated and put to shame.
May those who take delight in my trouble
be turned back in disgrace.
¹⁵ Let them be horrified by their shame,
for they said, “Aha! We’ve got him now!”

¹⁶ But may all who search for you
be filled with joy and gladness in you.
May those who love your salvation
repeatedly shout, “The Lord is great!”
¹⁷ As for me, since I am poor and needy,
let the Lord keep me in his thoughts.
You are my helper and my savior.
O my God, do not delay.

My Parallel Story

I sat in the hospital in a daze waiting for God to help me. Immediately He heard me as I cried drawing close, sending friends and family as well as coming Personally.

God came down and carried me through my most trying time, my husband laying in a hospital bed, “8% chance of survival,” they said.

But God held me up and kept me stable. He helped me keep focused as I went through the pain.

Out of such a painful experience, I can now sing a song of gratitude and trust in the love and protection He gave not just my husband, but also to me.

So many have seen and heard my story and have been amazed at the awesome power of God.

Because of my experience, there are people who can also put their faith in Him.

Do you know what it is like to have such confidence in God? To set aside trust in people and instead lay your life in His hands?

O God! You have performed miracle after miracle for Terry and I. I can’t even begin to imagine the plans You have for us. I can’t even begin to tell all the amazing experiences that occurred in the last 6 years because it would take a life time.

If there is one thing I have learned from this trying experience, it is that there is nothing I can do to win Your love. It’s not about me being “good”or doing “church.” I know that now. I am listening.

So as You so masterfully planned all along I can now say, “Here I am God. I want to do your will and I want Your word to be the essence of my entire being. “

I want to tell others about how fair You are and that You want what is best for all of us. That you don’t cause us pain but that You are there experiencing it with us. I don’t want to be afraid to speak out but God You know my struggles.

I don’t want to keep my testimony hidden because there is so much to say about what you have done for me.

I want to talk about how You carried me through the darkest day of my life and how You saved me from depression, anxiety, and despair. I have to tell others.

Dear God please don’t let me feel abandoned but draw near to me and hold me up. Please let me feel Your love and see Your faithfulness reminding me of how You have protected me in the last 6 years.

I am struggling dear God, in so many areas. I have so many sins and I can’t stop. There are so many and I just know I can’t overcome them. I feel so guilty.

God come now and save me from myself and from others who are trying to hurt me.

I pray that those who are searching for something in their lives, comfort in times of pain, peace in times of anxiety, and joy when all they can feel is depression, I pray that You fill them with Your love and heal their pain! I pray that they will experience You personally and KNOW that You are in control.

And as for me dear God, I’m still a mess. Please keep an eye on me. Please continue to hold me up, help me know Your will for my life in this time of choice. And above all else, help me to be ready when You return.

Please come soon dear God. Please come today.

New Accessible Adventures

Terry and I tried out a few new places in the last few weeks and found out they are fairly wheelchair friendly! Rock City and Raccoon Mountain Caverns (unlike that other cave here in town)!
  

Rock City has a trail from the main entrance all the way to the lookout where you can see the 7 states! If you use your imagination. The coolest thing was the the birding  you can do from that point. We saw several hawks level with the eye. Terry was able to push the entire way though some people may need assistance.

Raccoon Mountain Caverns was the most exciting though! I had never been there and had no idea what I was missing out on. The entrance fee is really cheap but Terry and I had free tickets. Upon entering the store, the kid at the desk said "sure you can go in! I can have someone take you right in. You can't get through the whole thing but we'll take you where you can go!"

The girl who was our tour guide was amazing. Terry and I were the only ones on the tour :-) Turns out Terry is only able to get into the first room of the cave which is level with the store entrance. However, for being just one room, it was spectacular! The room is right outside the Crystal Palace room but we could see some of it from where we were. There were huge columns, lots of flow stone, and several stalactites and stalagmites.

The guide was working on her master's degree in underground water studies and was a life long caver. If anyone has ever visited the Howard's Waterfall Cave, it's in her yard! This lady took about 30 to 45 minutes in the front room showing Terry all the details of the cave, the amazing formations, the waterflow patterns, and described the formation of the cave. Terry was able to get some good pics as well.


Raccoon Mountain Caverns is trying to restore the cave to it's natural state which really impressed Terry. For this reason, they are able to offer numerous educational programs for groups that want to study cave ecology, rocks and minerals, etc. They have several tours including an eco-tour, 4 hour, 6 hour, and 12 hour tours. They also have camping right on sight!


This sounds kind of like an add for Raccoon Mountain and it is! If you are looking for an accessible cave this is the one you want!


Have an awesome weekend!

Raccoon Mountain Crystal Palace

Revelation

Being the wife of a wheelchair user is not easy! How's that for honesty. It's not what you think though. Since Terry's accident I have experienced drastic highs and lows and these experiences come at very unexpected times. You see, I almost never think about the chair. It's something that is as much a part of my world as is getting dressed, brushing my hair, and going grocery shopping.

But when I do think about the chair, it's usually because something or someone symbolically slaps me in the face with it. It is during these moments that my need for control and my protective nature are ripped away and I am left vulnerable and useless. In these moments I am no help to Terry or myself as I am fighting for control at a time when it may serve us all better to lose it.

Let me tell you about one of the recent highs I have experienced-
We had some free tickets to the Lost Sea, a cave in Sweetwater, TN. Terry's dad had taken him there once and so I knew with our friends' help (thank God for good friends) we would be able to "go caving." And so we did. The staff were awesome! They were complimentary of Terry's ambitiousness and of Brett and Kevin's commitment to their friend. Terry had a wonderful time and we made some great memories.

Let me tell you about one of the recent low times-
My niece just got a job at another commercial cave in the area (guess which one). We have free passes right now to all of the major attractions in Chattanooga and since she had to fill out her paperwork for her new job, we thought we would go up and tour the cave. We did know ahead of time that Terry would not be able to go in and he was planning to read while we did the tour. There are some things that are not accessible naturally and that is perfectly fine.

So we go to the man at the desk and ask about how long the tour is, the distance, and what kind of shoes I'll need to go in. Immediately he says to me, "Ma'am it's a mile hike inside and he can't go."

Instantly I feel the lump in my throat and the anger surging in my stomach.

Me, "Sir I understand and Terry wasn't planning to go in we just..."

Man, "All he'll see is gray rocks, like what we see right here, that's all he'll see."

Me, "I understand" recognizing that he is very defensive though he hasn't been attacked and knowing that I am about to get defensive I am purposefully polite to try and control the conversation, "We know that everything can't be accessible we just wanted to know some things about the cave. Do you have a map?"

Man, "No. And he CAN'T go in. Our insurance won't allow it."

Me on the inside, "What is your problem! Insurance? Liar! You don't have a clue what your insurance policy says I'm sure! And why are you still arguing with me if I didn't even ask to go in? Why are you talking to me and not to Terry!"

Terry, "So you said if I went in all I would see is gray rocks. So what is the trail like anyway?"

Man, "Sir, it's narrow and there are about 50 steps inside! I can take you down the elevator and prove it!"

So this is where things got really bad for me. Terry continued talking to the man and I retreated into myself thinking, "So first you say it's insurance then you say, forget insurance so I can prove you can't go." I'm about to blow up with tears and name calling but simply turn and walk to a bench away from the man. As I sit I fight back tears and try to make sense of what just occurred.

Honesty and vulnerability-
I feel guilty every time I do something Terry can't do such as walk through a cave and then that guilt is reinforced when an insensitive man slaps me in the face with the wheelchair. I want to protect Terry from all things difficult but I am beginning to realize that what I am doing is actually protecting myself from difficult feelings. Whoa! What's been happening the last 6 years?!?

Adaptive Scuba!

In June Terry and I had the amazing opportunity to begin our journey back into the world of scuba diving while making some amazing friends in the process! It's been since 2004 since I've been diving and Terry had one opportunity in the pool while in rehab at Shepherd Center in Atlanta.

None of this would have been possible if not for some of the most amazing and generous people in the world. Debbie, Ben and Fed from Achilles Divers in Florida didn't know us at all but knew about us through Steve Neuman at Choo Choo Dive. Debbie and I had been corresponding for months off and on about the possibility of getting Terry and I back in the water and finally, it worked out! Since she was going to be in town, Debbie arranged for some pool time at Choo Choo Dive and she and her friends drove all the way up to share this experience with us.

Achilles Divers is a 501(c)(3) (Whoot whoot! Congratulations guys!) ..."organization founded by Fed Barona and Debbie Norris with a principle of using SCUBA as a means to open doors for those that thought it was either not possible or thought it was no longer available to them because of a disability. Family members and friends are also given the opportunity to learn to accompany their loved one underwater as an able-bodied buddy diver."   

Our experience with this team was amazing! Not only are they skilled divers, they are skilled in transfers, and knowledgeable about skin care, dysreflexia, pressure sores, and so many other things you have to watch out for with a spinal cord injury. It was evident that this group is on there game as they even allowed Terry to take the lead and tell them how they could assist rather than doing everything for him.

Terry could not stop talking about how great it was to re-trace the steps to preparing for a dive. Debbie coached him as he checked his tank, regulator, BC, put the equipment together, problem solved where to place equipment so he could assemble it himself, and finally took his first breath of compressed air! That was quite an emotional event for several people watching as you can see the expression of pure joy on his face.     

Getting into the pool was super easy because he just held his mask, basically rolled in, and we caught him. Getting out was just as easy as Debbie and Ben taught us how to take advantage of the effect being in the water has on weight.                                                                                                                  

The highlight of the day for me was watching Debbie take the time to teach Terry so many of the basic scuba skills so that he could then do them himself. He was a pro at donning and doffing his mask, opening his eyes underwater, buddy breathing, and recovering his regulator. The coolest thing was watching as he progressed from not being able to make the OK sign to being able to make it! It sounds so simple but after a brain injury you have to create new pathways in order to do everyday things. Terry hadn't really needed to do this and six years later, he was re-learning it. Very Cool!!! It's amazing that the brain is still healing even six years later.

I think that the fact that the brain is so amazing is very important to share with people who have experienced brain injuries, but more specifically, their families. Terry went from complete unconsciousness to semi consciousness in about 2 to 3 months. People don't just wake up from a coma. It is very gradual. Again the amazing thing is that once someone does begin to "wake up" there is no telling the progress they can make! Six years later and my amazing husband is still making progress. God is very good.

I also think it is important to explore ways to get yourself, your friend, or your family member back into whatever it is that you loved before your injury. After all, just because someone uses a wheelchair doesn't mean they are suddenly a different person! Or just because they've had a brain injury doesn't mean they are no longer interested or won't find joy in what they used to do. The only limits are the limits we ourselves impose on others...I don't want be a barrier; I want to break down barriers.

Well, I should have written this right after it happened so that I could give you a more "live" version  but since this was only the beginning of our scuba training, there will be more to come. A few friends and I will be training to be Terry's dive partners and I hear it is intense! I need to log more dive time and bolster my confidence followed by a kind of diver sensitivity training, stress and rescue class, and who knows what else. I can't wait!!!

Shannon

"Noodles", Dry Bags, and Boat Cushions

So here is my first real blog entry and I'm sure there's no way I'm going to do the story justice. I must share it though because it's such a good introduction to life in the Trecartin household.

Heading into Memorial Day Weekend I decided that we had to do something exciting! I didn't want to spend the holiday at home like we'd been doing so many weekends previously. The more I thought about it the more I wanted to do something that we would have done prior to the accident.

So I excitedly decided that we were going to go kayaking! Terry was up for it so all we needed to do was convince at least one friend to go with us. Brett B. took no time thinking about it before agreeing to come along.

Before the accident Terry, several friends and I would often kayak on weekends. We still have 4 of the boats with some life jackets and paddles.  On adventurous days we kayaked the Ocoee (I only did that once and even then walked the last two miles in my wetsuit to the truck!) or the Nantahala. But most trips we did the Hiawassee.

Memorial Day was the first official trip on our own. I was so proud of myself for loading the kayaks in the van, gathering all the gear, and planning for all the extra padding for the boat which a person needs when they can't feel everything.  I even did all the rigging myself using a unique combination of tie-downs and seatbelts to secure the kayaks! The kayaks fit perfectly on top of each other when slid in from the back of the van to the front seat. Terry just trusted me to get it right. We made a quick stop by Wal-Mart to pick up some "noodles" (floaty things that you play on in the pool) and then picked up our kayaking buddy Brett.   

Since this was our first trip, we decided that the transfer from the chair to the boat should be easy so we stopped at a pull-off at Harrison Bay where the bank gradually sloped into the lake. Brett and I used duck tape and taped the "noodles" to Terry's play boat to give it stability. We chose the play boat because it was the only one with a significant back support. Getting from the chair to the boat was really easy since Terry and I had practiced getting out of the chair and on to the ground with a "controlled fall" :-) As it turned out that back support did nothing for Terry so we put a ski belt on him. That didn't help. We stuffed 2 boat cushions behind him. That was better but instead of falling backwards he was now falling forwards. We used a dry bag that we stuffed towels into to wedge in front of him. That did it. Terry was not coming out of the boat and was sitting up straight! 

We pushed off from land and began our first kayaking trip! I'd just like to mention here that kayaking in a play boat with a canoe paddle is no laughing matter! Brett and Terry had the only two kayak paddles we had so I spent the trip perfecting the draw and j-strokes. How can we have 4 boats and only 2 paddles? Someone needs to bring my paddle back!

Everything was going well until we decided to adjust Terry's padding. He was leaning too far forward in the boat because he can't sit up without some support. So I took one of the boat chairs out from behind him and put it in front. That worked so well he was paddling just as efficiently as Brett was (not me, I had a canoe paddle remember?).

And then things went south...

In one unexpected moment Terry leaned back in the boat expecting to feel supported but there was little there! As he went back the front of the kayak came up out of the water and then he began to fall to the left of the boat. What ensued was like a slow motion matrix scene. With the "noodles" on the side of the boat, we had been sure Terry wouldn't flip. They kept him up for a good part of the fall as he yelled, "Guys! Guys! Help! I'm gonna flip!" After what seemed like the slowest flip ever, kind of like the movie Titanic when the ship is standing up straight in the water, Terry was laying completely sideways with me paddling with my canoe paddle as fast as possible to him and Brett on the other side watching! Before I got there he went under! I don't know how I got out of my boat but I do know what came out of my mouth in the process (I'm a work in progress!). Thankfully the water was only about 4 feet deep so when I got to Terry I just grabbed his hand and pulled him up with Brett (still in his boat) flipping the boat over. Surprisingly, Terry never came out of the boat! I let go to rescue my boat and paddle that were drifting away and I guess Brett did too because Terry flipped right back over!

After gathering ourselves we realized we had a new problem. The boat was flooded and there was no way we would be able to paddle back without Terry flipping again. Thankfully there was a "bank" fairly close in shallower water so we pushed all our gear to the edge and began to think things through. Now this is where Brett was essential. He said, "We have to drain the boat," which meant we had to get Terry out of the boat and back in. Getting him out and draining the boat was easy! But getting him back in the boat was what left me sore all last week.

Honestly, I think the reason the people on the other side of the shore didn't offer to help us was because it was the funniest they had ever seen! Brett would pick up under Terry's arms and I would pick up his legs and every time we started to sit him in the boat, it floated away! We then tried to prop it against a log but when we began to lower him onto the boat, it would flip up sideways and begin to take on water! At this point I was laughing so hard and I'm sure Terry was tired of being thrown around. You will have to ask Brett what was going though his mind.

Finally we did last what we should have done first. We prayed :-) Terry was now sitting on a log because we were too exhausted to hold him up. Immediately after praying I had the thought to push the boat next to the log and lift Terry's legs into the seat. It worked! Now with Brett on one side holding the boat steady and Terry transferring himself onto the back of the boat and into the seat, we managed to get into the boat without flooding it! Thank you Jesus!

So I know this sounds like a pretty terrifying experience to some of the readers but before you think we're too stupid, you should know Terry can swim, we were in 4 to 5 feet of water, and the shore where the van was parked was only about 200 to 300 feet away! We had an awesome time even with the setbacks and Terry plans to go again! The good thing is a friend has introduced us to some modified kayaks that just might work better than "noodles", dry bags, and boat cushions.

What's the point?!?

Terry and I celebrated our 8 year anniversary this week. While this is very exciting even more impressive is that Terry and I celebrated 6 years of marriage since his accident May 7, 2005! Though our world was turned completely upside-down, we have adjusted to the new "normal." These last 6 years have been worth every moment.

But not may people get to see our world from the outside looking in. Though there are challenges we face, these are actually opportunities for personal growth, laughter, and fun. We would like to use this space to share our experiences with friends and family. The main focus though is to tell other wheelchair users and their families about how exciting life can be!