Present in Times of Pain

These last two weeks I've done so much reflecting on what was, what is, what could have been. I went to a friend's birthday party and was reminded that though it is so easy to get caught up in what is going wrong, a spirit of gratitude can change everything. Thank you Kevin for your amazing spirit in adversity.

Then, a new friend, someone who has also experienced a spinal cord injury, the same man who came up from Florida to help Terry experience adaptive SCUBA, suddenly lost his 20 year old son this week. Fed has shown such amazing courage, resilience, and trust in God this week it is humbling. We are praying for you friend and so thankful we have the same hope!

I've also been reading my father-in-law's notes from Terry's accident. I don't believe it was coincidence when I accidently stumbled across them trying to find another email. I remember very little about what was experienced during that time and these notes have really served as a reminder of how God carried me when I should have been disabled myself.

Last night I found this text from the Bible and it immediately spoke to me. I have made an attempt to parallel it to my life and where I currently find myself. I don't know if it will be helpful to anyone but following the chapter is my paraphrase.

Psalm 40

For the choir director: A psalm of David.

¹ I waited patiently for the Lord to help me,
and he turned to me and heard my cry.
² He lifted me out of the pit of despair,
out of the mud and the mire.
He set my feet on solid ground
and steadied me as I walked along.
³ He has given me a new song to sing,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see what he has done and be amazed.
They will put their trust in the Lord.

⁴ Oh, the joys of those who trust the Lord,
who have no confidence in the proud
or in those who worship idols.
⁵ O Lord my God, you have performed many wonders for us.
Your plans for us are too numerous to list.
You have no equal.
If I tried to recite all your wonderful deeds,
I would never come to the end of them.

⁶ You take no delight in sacrifices or offerings.
Now that you have made me listen, I finally understand^[a]—
you don’t require burnt offerings or sin offerings.
⁷ Then I said, “Look, I have come.
As is written about me in the Scriptures:
⁸ I take joy in doing your will, my God,
for your instructions are written on my heart.”

⁹ I have told all your people about your justice.
I have not been afraid to speak out,
as you, O Lord, well know.
¹⁰ I have not kept the good news of your justice hidden in my heart;
I have talked about your faithfulness and saving power. 

I have told everyone in the great assembly of your unfailing

love and faithfulness.¹¹ Lord, don’t hold back your tender mercies from me.
Let your unfailing love and faithfulness always protect me.
¹² For troubles surround me—
too many to count!
My sins pile up so high
I can’t see my way out.
They outnumber the hairs on my head.
I have lost all courage.

¹³ Please, Lord, rescue me!
Come quickly, Lord, and help me.
¹⁴ May those who try to destroy me
be humiliated and put to shame.
May those who take delight in my trouble
be turned back in disgrace.
¹⁵ Let them be horrified by their shame,
for they said, “Aha! We’ve got him now!”

¹⁶ But may all who search for you
be filled with joy and gladness in you.
May those who love your salvation
repeatedly shout, “The Lord is great!”
¹⁷ As for me, since I am poor and needy,
let the Lord keep me in his thoughts.
You are my helper and my savior.
O my God, do not delay.

My Parallel Story

I sat in the hospital in a daze waiting for God to help me. Immediately He heard me as I cried drawing close, sending friends and family as well as coming Personally.

God came down and carried me through my most trying time, my husband laying in a hospital bed, “8% chance of survival,” they said.

But God held me up and kept me stable. He helped me keep focused as I went through the pain.

Out of such a painful experience, I can now sing a song of gratitude and trust in the love and protection He gave not just my husband, but also to me.

So many have seen and heard my story and have been amazed at the awesome power of God.

Because of my experience, there are people who can also put their faith in Him.

Do you know what it is like to have such confidence in God? To set aside trust in people and instead lay your life in His hands?

O God! You have performed miracle after miracle for Terry and I. I can’t even begin to imagine the plans You have for us. I can’t even begin to tell all the amazing experiences that occurred in the last 6 years because it would take a life time.

If there is one thing I have learned from this trying experience, it is that there is nothing I can do to win Your love. It’s not about me being “good”or doing “church.” I know that now. I am listening.

So as You so masterfully planned all along I can now say, “Here I am God. I want to do your will and I want Your word to be the essence of my entire being. “

I want to tell others about how fair You are and that You want what is best for all of us. That you don’t cause us pain but that You are there experiencing it with us. I don’t want to be afraid to speak out but God You know my struggles.

I don’t want to keep my testimony hidden because there is so much to say about what you have done for me.

I want to talk about how You carried me through the darkest day of my life and how You saved me from depression, anxiety, and despair. I have to tell others.

Dear God please don’t let me feel abandoned but draw near to me and hold me up. Please let me feel Your love and see Your faithfulness reminding me of how You have protected me in the last 6 years.

I am struggling dear God, in so many areas. I have so many sins and I can’t stop. There are so many and I just know I can’t overcome them. I feel so guilty.

God come now and save me from myself and from others who are trying to hurt me.

I pray that those who are searching for something in their lives, comfort in times of pain, peace in times of anxiety, and joy when all they can feel is depression, I pray that You fill them with Your love and heal their pain! I pray that they will experience You personally and KNOW that You are in control.

And as for me dear God, I’m still a mess. Please keep an eye on me. Please continue to hold me up, help me know Your will for my life in this time of choice. And above all else, help me to be ready when You return.

Please come soon dear God. Please come today.